i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
