Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
