Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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