He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize