"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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