it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
