Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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