Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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