I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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