I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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