Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
40s are totally the cure
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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