Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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