My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
