I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she smelled like a LAN party
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
