I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
