I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
