last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
