sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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