i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
