My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
