Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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