She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
