It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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