I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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