that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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