you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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