I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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