Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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