All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Actions speak louder than pants.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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