I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
