i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
