OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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