that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I want to be your penis for a week.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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