and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
