man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
