I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
