I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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