I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
