DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
