i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
