I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize