Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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