My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So many bounce houses so little time
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
