someone threw a dead crab at me
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize