Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
