I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
