i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
