life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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