and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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