i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
