On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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