And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
