I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
