i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
