well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize